You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
