Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
