Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
