How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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