guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
