I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
