No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
