if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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