im having a threesome with these popsicles
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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