I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
