you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You took a bar mat shot.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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