my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
