Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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