I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
