I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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