Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
