I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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