Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just high enough for therapy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
