Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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