a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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