I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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