Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
