i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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