i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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