I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
