Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
