i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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