I want to walk on stilts...naked
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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