Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
