I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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