I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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