Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
