Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
