he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
