just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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