If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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