Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
