Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
