My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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