umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
