According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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