if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
