I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
