Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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