I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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