It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
