She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
