Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
