dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
