My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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