he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
