When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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