What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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