I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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