I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
