I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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