once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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