I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
do herpes really smell.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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