I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
