like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
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HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
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He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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